Always and forever

I become a little bit different whenever I’m in a relationship. I morph into someone quite… not me.

I remember how I had a string of relationships that were really purely about convenience, and yes, about lust, too. How I felt like a crazy maniac always hungry for the next orgasmic release. Those were the wild days, and yet now looking back, I didn’t exactly like the version of myself in those no-strings-attached kinds of relationships.

There were relationships too that made me feel so insecure. Where I always felt this need to prove myself as I can’t shake off the inexplicable feeling that no matter what I do, I will always be found wanting. Lacking with what? I can’t pinpoint exactly. There’s just this ominous feeling that I’m not enough. That I would never be enough. That feeling was the worst.

And of course there were relationships that were, for one reason or another, supposed to be kept in secret. Maybe because of her family, or maybe because there’s another party that could get hurt. Whatever the reasons were, it’s those kind of relationships that you could never be truly happy because how could you be happy when you’re always confronted with a feeling of guilt and anxiety?

And then, there’s my relationship with you. We could talk about everything, laugh about anything. For some reason, the memories of our moments together are sweeter now that we are no longer together. Perhaps things are just smoother looking back than how jagged they truly were when we were right in the middle of it. Thinking about us still makes me smile. We were happy, weren’t we? I know I was happy. You made me feel like I could just be myself with you. No pretense, no guilt, no insecurities. I can just be me. That was the greatest gift I could ever receive from someone — the privilege of being loved as just my own naked, fallible self.

You were my greatest love yet. And if no greater love ever comes in the future, I’m grateful I experienced our kind of love.

We are no longer together, and yet… I will love you always and forever.


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