On deserving you

The moment I admitted to myself that I had feelings for you – the unthinkable feelings-in-the-time-of-Facebook-and-Gmail kind – the first thing that came to my mind was: “What the hell?” You and me, the possibility of a “we” – it was too foreign, too alien, too mind-boggling that my mind could not process it. But what my mind refused to accept, my heart graciously embraced.

I honestly thought there’s no way in this life that I will ever deserve you. You in all your sunshiny optimism, your contagious passion, your charming smile, your disarming friendliness, your sense of humor, your heart-melting sincerity. How on earth will I be able to deserve someone like you? Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I see someone who has coldly trampled upon other people’s emotions; I see someone overwhelmingly oozing with pride and condescension; I see the personification of  doubt and unbelief; I see someone who simply doesn’t deserve you.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when the turning point happened. All I can remember was one fateful day, I told myself that it’s time to forgive, get over my past mistakes, and move on. I realized that although I may not deserve you yet at that time, I sure as hell wanted to deserve you.

I’m working on deserving you. It’s a painful and difficult process, but I’ll keep trying. One day at a time, I’m facing my personal issues, dealing with them the way a sensible adult would do. I’m working hard in my studies, so someday you’ll be proud of my achievements. I’m making myself pure in thoughts and words and actions, because you deserve someone who will treat you with utmost respect and purity. I can’t say I’m not struggling, or that the road is full of sunshine and rainbows, but I’m making a gradual progress. I want you to be proud of me when you introduce me to your family. There are times when despair assails me with negative thoughts, but I always talk myself into hoping for the bright future that lies ahead – a future with you.

Everyday, I tell myself that I deserve you. It has become like a mantra, really. Who knows, maybe as I keep believing and acting like someone who deserves you, maybe, just maybe, maybe you’ll think of me the same way too.

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2 thoughts on “On deserving you

  1. I’ve always admired what and how you write. So sincere. I’m glad your blog is public again. I missed reading your stories.

    Like

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